Last week I presented to you an essay from my book How to WIN at Piano Lessons: Successful Piano Instruction Strategies for Non-Mozarts. In the essay, I laid out the problems that adult piano students have with time: time for lessons, time for practice. This week, I present my latest thoughts and observations on what I now see as the main problem facing adult piano students: their own psychology.
Yes, it's not "talent" nor any of the other problems faced by children which gets in the way of success at the piano. It's the way adults think and feel about piano education that essentially dooms some of them and likely impedes most of them.
Here's the situation: adult students, the vast, vast majority of whom tell me at the start that "they just want to play for their own enjoyment," fail to actually enjoy themselves, no matter what they can or cannot do on this piano. Somehow, someway, they manage to frustrate themselves, criticize themselves, feel inferior and incapable, and generally screw up what should be a fine and happy hobby.
(A note here to my personal students: You folks are probably some of the happiest students around. Since I have worked with you personally on these issues, most of you have a great time with practice and lessons. Some of you more than others, of course, and I doubt any of you are 100% happy 100% of the time, but in the main, I believe you guys and gals get what I'm saying here. Keep reading, however, if only to confirm for yourself that you are on the right track.)
I think that word "hobby" is key here. For the majority of piano students, piano is a hobby.
Think about what that means. Hobbies are activities we participate in to enrich our lives. They should not be sources of frustration and self-invalidation. Let me give you an example about how to pursue a hobby, since we adults often forget the skill, our time being taken up with totally serious activities such as raising a family and holding down a job.
I have a hobby of coin collecting. I took this up because I've always been fascinated with it, like collecting things, and did it when a boy. First, I thought about which coins I wanted to collect. Then I made sure I had a good grasp on the reason for the endeavor. I decided to collect only US coins for the purpose of "the thrill of discovery" in change. I consciously decided NOT to make this "an investment." I also decided it wouldn't be much fun to go to coin shows to buy coins, buy them off ebay, or anything like that. Just go through my change, and occasionally get rolls of coins from the bank and go through those. So that's what I did. Some weeks I find coins. Some I don't. I get some daily pleasure from searching my daily change for what I lack.
What I don't get is frustration and hectic anxiety about the status of my coin collection. I enjoy my hobby pretty much 100% of the time, since I know what I want and don't trouble myself with concern about what I still don't have. I have no time table for "completing my collection" and don't spend any time comparing my collection with that of other collectors. In short, I'm collecting coins MY way for MY purposes and anyone who doesn't like that or suggests I should be doing it some other way can...well, those that know me know how I would respond to that!
You see the difference between how I collect coins and how some of you take piano lessons or feel about your piano playing? Adults come to lessons concerned that the teacher will not approve of them, that their actions in pursuing their hobby will not prove acceptable - to someone they are paying, for Pete's sake. How silly is this! I have to ask such a person if they have even grown up at all. Isn't it YOUR hobby? And don't you write the rules for YOUR life? Aren't your emotions YOURS?
So why don't many adult pianists simply enjoy what they can do right now, calmly work at getting better at playing, and treasure the happy moments spent at the piano making music as best they can? Simple. Adults often have these "standards" which they believe they have to live up to, and since they usually don't have live up to them, they remain unhappy in various ways.
Here is the root cause of all the unhappiness - standards you yourself have established, "bought into," and by which you have decided to be happy or not. Essentially, you have said to yourself something like, "When I can play (fill in blank with some level of accomplishment or even a particular tune)......I will be happy, and not before." Thus, happiness remains in the future, not in the present. And this is ALWAYS going to be true, since it is the nature of pianists to always be able to envision being able to play better than you can right now!
Am I campaigning here for no standards? Nope. I'm campaigning for enjoying the work of achieving your standards as well as that achievement itself. Or, to put it in a succinct manner you can easily remember when your standards get the better or you:
Yes, it's not "talent" nor any of the other problems faced by children which gets in the way of success at the piano. It's the way adults think and feel about piano education that essentially dooms some of them and likely impedes most of them.
Here's the situation: adult students, the vast, vast majority of whom tell me at the start that "they just want to play for their own enjoyment," fail to actually enjoy themselves, no matter what they can or cannot do on this piano. Somehow, someway, they manage to frustrate themselves, criticize themselves, feel inferior and incapable, and generally screw up what should be a fine and happy hobby.
(A note here to my personal students: You folks are probably some of the happiest students around. Since I have worked with you personally on these issues, most of you have a great time with practice and lessons. Some of you more than others, of course, and I doubt any of you are 100% happy 100% of the time, but in the main, I believe you guys and gals get what I'm saying here. Keep reading, however, if only to confirm for yourself that you are on the right track.)
I think that word "hobby" is key here. For the majority of piano students, piano is a hobby.
Think about what that means. Hobbies are activities we participate in to enrich our lives. They should not be sources of frustration and self-invalidation. Let me give you an example about how to pursue a hobby, since we adults often forget the skill, our time being taken up with totally serious activities such as raising a family and holding down a job.
I have a hobby of coin collecting. I took this up because I've always been fascinated with it, like collecting things, and did it when a boy. First, I thought about which coins I wanted to collect. Then I made sure I had a good grasp on the reason for the endeavor. I decided to collect only US coins for the purpose of "the thrill of discovery" in change. I consciously decided NOT to make this "an investment." I also decided it wouldn't be much fun to go to coin shows to buy coins, buy them off ebay, or anything like that. Just go through my change, and occasionally get rolls of coins from the bank and go through those. So that's what I did. Some weeks I find coins. Some I don't. I get some daily pleasure from searching my daily change for what I lack.
What I don't get is frustration and hectic anxiety about the status of my coin collection. I enjoy my hobby pretty much 100% of the time, since I know what I want and don't trouble myself with concern about what I still don't have. I have no time table for "completing my collection" and don't spend any time comparing my collection with that of other collectors. In short, I'm collecting coins MY way for MY purposes and anyone who doesn't like that or suggests I should be doing it some other way can...well, those that know me know how I would respond to that!
You see the difference between how I collect coins and how some of you take piano lessons or feel about your piano playing? Adults come to lessons concerned that the teacher will not approve of them, that their actions in pursuing their hobby will not prove acceptable - to someone they are paying, for Pete's sake. How silly is this! I have to ask such a person if they have even grown up at all. Isn't it YOUR hobby? And don't you write the rules for YOUR life? Aren't your emotions YOURS?
So why don't many adult pianists simply enjoy what they can do right now, calmly work at getting better at playing, and treasure the happy moments spent at the piano making music as best they can? Simple. Adults often have these "standards" which they believe they have to live up to, and since they usually don't have live up to them, they remain unhappy in various ways.
Here is the root cause of all the unhappiness - standards you yourself have established, "bought into," and by which you have decided to be happy or not. Essentially, you have said to yourself something like, "When I can play (fill in blank with some level of accomplishment or even a particular tune)......I will be happy, and not before." Thus, happiness remains in the future, not in the present. And this is ALWAYS going to be true, since it is the nature of pianists to always be able to envision being able to play better than you can right now!
Am I campaigning here for no standards? Nope. I'm campaigning for enjoying the work of achieving your standards as well as that achievement itself. Or, to put it in a succinct manner you can easily remember when your standards get the better or you:
ENJOY THE JOURNEY AS WELL AS THE DESTINATION
Think of this like hiking (another favorite pastime of mine.) You hike to get somewhere, but the whole point is to enjoy the getting there. Otherwise, you'd just drive. On the other hand, wandering around aimlessly is pretty much no fun either. Both journey and destination are essential to the experience - and both practice and performance are needed to enjoy the hobby called playing the piano - even if you only perform for yourself.
Just because you have "a teacher" and you are "a student" and you go to "a lesson" doesn't have to mean you are back in school where your successes and failures resulted in either kudos or unpleasantness. Grow up. I mean it. If you are having some degree of upset due to trying to match up to the standards set by somebody else, either in your present or your past, just knock that off and be your own person. Quit allowing other people, past or present, to decide how you will pursue your hobby.
If it helps, you can feel sorry for ME! As a professional pianist, I willingly put myself on display and others judge me and set standards for my performance. Hey, my students do the same thing. Every time they pay for more lessons, they are judging me by their standards. Imagine how YOU would feel trying to teach piano or perform for a group! The secret to my success? I actually enjoy making others happy and I'm good at it. I have a great time enjoying the journey of being a professional, as well as the destination (receiving their compliments, hearing their successes, and naturally, getting paid for it.)
You don't have to do all this. Lucky you! The only person you NEED to please is YOU. Set reasonable, realistic standards and enjoy working to meet them. Ignore anybody else and what they say you should want, do, whatever. And that most definitely includes your piano teacher. Any teacher who thinks they should be setting standards for you does NOT have your best interests at heart. A good teacher will determine what YOUR standards are and work to help you meet them, NOT set those standards for you.
This is NOT a job, people. It's a hobby. Pursue it as such and have a great time with it.
Just because you have "a teacher" and you are "a student" and you go to "a lesson" doesn't have to mean you are back in school where your successes and failures resulted in either kudos or unpleasantness. Grow up. I mean it. If you are having some degree of upset due to trying to match up to the standards set by somebody else, either in your present or your past, just knock that off and be your own person. Quit allowing other people, past or present, to decide how you will pursue your hobby.
If it helps, you can feel sorry for ME! As a professional pianist, I willingly put myself on display and others judge me and set standards for my performance. Hey, my students do the same thing. Every time they pay for more lessons, they are judging me by their standards. Imagine how YOU would feel trying to teach piano or perform for a group! The secret to my success? I actually enjoy making others happy and I'm good at it. I have a great time enjoying the journey of being a professional, as well as the destination (receiving their compliments, hearing their successes, and naturally, getting paid for it.)
You don't have to do all this. Lucky you! The only person you NEED to please is YOU. Set reasonable, realistic standards and enjoy working to meet them. Ignore anybody else and what they say you should want, do, whatever. And that most definitely includes your piano teacher. Any teacher who thinks they should be setting standards for you does NOT have your best interests at heart. A good teacher will determine what YOUR standards are and work to help you meet them, NOT set those standards for you.
This is NOT a job, people. It's a hobby. Pursue it as such and have a great time with it.
Can you do that?
